David woke up in a rush as though from a nightmare. He found himself laying down on the sofa, the phone on the floor, an empty glass and whiskey bottle. At first glance, he thought he had missed his appointment. Despite that, he didn’t freak out. Worst case scenario, he skipped the meeting where he was going to be laid off. Why take things so seriously? All these years of showing up on time, going the extra mile, sleeping at the office when necessary, seem to have led him nowhere.
He grabbed his phone, unlocked the screen, and saw the image of the book cover he had saved the night before. ‘Night Train to Lisbon’, it read. He couldn’t recall the reason why he had saved the image in the first place. He didn’t have the time to explore that just yet. He had a more ominous commitment to attend to.
He checked the phone clock, it was only 7:30 am. He had plenty of time to prepare himself for the meeting where he will be treated like a kid. It was only during these types of meetings that the HR personnel were nice. They would kick it off with a few nice words about his contribution to the company, and how invaluable his effort and dedication have been. Without the grit and persistence that the likes of him poured into their work, the company would not have managed to make billions in profit each year, increase shareholder value, and help the C-suite executives make a shit ton of money in bonuses. Sitting through these performative meetings was torture.
David had conflicting thoughts about that meeting. Was he really going to be laid off? Until that point he was only speculating. Nothing was certain. A very low voice in the back of his head was telling him that he could be getting a promotion with a big fat raise. Somehow that thought didn’t make him feel any better. He knew he needed to pursue something else. His time at that company has come to an end whether the meeting would bring him good or bad news.
In that instance he remembered why he had saved the image of the book cover. It was the quote that suddenly took him back to the time he was adamant on starting a new business. “Don’t waste your time, do something worthwhile with it.” The quote said. He tried to convince himself that he hadn’t really wasted his time all these years at the company. Even though he had forgotten about some of his goals, he did manage to save enough money.
It was time to pursue something new, he thought. Layoff or promotion, it doesn’t matter. He wasn’t going to be wasting his time anymore.
This time he didn’t bother ‘clock-in’ at 8 am. He instead took a shower, got dressed, prepared himself the usual cup of strong black coffee, and sat down on his rocking chair staring at the window. He couldn’t see the sunrise, but his living room windows overlooked a range of lush green trees covering the buildings behind them. Somewhere in the background he could also see the neighborhood park. He could also see parents dropping off their kids at the school nearby. A few people were walking their dogs, doing some exercise before heading to work, while others were in their cars, all dressed up and on their way to work.
It was a slow morning, and David had not a single care that day. His morning meditation, blended with the distinctive aroma of the coffee, took him on a trip down memory lane. He was gradually recalling all the dreams and objectives that he had buried and forgotten about.
His phone buzzed. It was the 10 minute notification to the meeting. He opened his laptop. Plugged the ear phones. Took a deep breath, and let out a deep sigh, only this time it was a hopeful one. The future looked bright.
—
As soon as it was 9 am, David joined the meeting from his browser. He was in the waiting room for a few minutes before he was admitted. It felt like a waiting place or limbo on judgment day, right before hearing the final verdict on where he’d end up. Purgatory wasn’t an option; he was either going to heaven or hell. Only this time, heaven meant that he was indeed let go. Otherwise, it would be hell. He was leaving the company irrespective of the decision. Generic music was playing in the background. The text on screen displayed “Please wait, the meeting host will let you in soon.”
So many ideas bounced around in his mind during these few minutes. He was already making plans, starting with what he was going to do that night to celebrate, all the way to how his life would look in the next 5 to 10 years. He knew that long-term plans are pointless. Life’s uncertainty is a feature, not a bug. He couldn’t help but enthusiastically envision what the next few years would bring. He had hope again; it rekindled after years of a zombie-like existence where he was cruising through on auto-pilot. Even when he worked from the company’s offices, he barely socialized with anyone other than the team members with whom he had projects.
All of a sudden, he could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Life was ripe with possibilities yet again.
When the screen shifted and he was finally admitted, he was met with the greetings of Lisa from HR, and his manager Mike. They exchanged pleasantries as though they were breaking the ice for the first time. David could sense a lingering atmosphere of unease and tension. Both Lisa and Mike were sitting in a conference room at the office, which was not far from where David lived.
Silence hit the virtual space before Lisa started. She glanced at her notes and looked straight at the big screen TV where she could see David. “David, I want to start by saying how much we’ve valued your contributions. Your dedication to the platform optimization project and your work on the user engagement metrics have been truly exceptional.”
Mike jumped into the conversation: “David, you’ve always been a great team player. Your perspective has always been much appreciated. You always put in extra effort to ensure everything worked well and went smoothly.”
“Unfortunately,” Lisa continued, her tone slightly shifting, “as you’re aware, the company is going through a period of restructuring. We’ve had to make some very difficult decisions about resource allocation and team composition.”
David found himself oddly calm. He suddenly felt himself leaving his body, like those Tom & Jerry scenes when the soul left Tom’s body, and watched himself observing the meeting take place.
“After careful consideration, we’ve decided to eliminate your position as part of our organizational realignment. This decision is in no way a reflection of your performance or value to the team.”
There it was, the moment of truth. David was going to heaven. A smile spread across his face.
“Your last day will be today, and you’ll receive your full severance package as outlined in your employment agreement: 12 weeks of pay. Someone from IT will reach out about returning your equipment.”
Mike added awkwardly, “David, I really want you to know this wasn’t my call. If it were up to me…”
Lisa smoothly took control again. “We’ll also provide a strong reference letter, and our outplacement services are available to help with your transition. Do you have any questions about the process?”
David looked at both their faces on his screen and felt something unexpected: relief. “Actually, no. I think I’m good.”
The session ended with promises to “stay in touch” and wishes for his “future success.” As David closed the laptop, he realized he was still smiling.
—
David stretched out in his chair. He closed his eyes, locked his fingers together and extended his arms and legs, arching his back slightly against the backrest. Before he did anything else, he took a few minutes to fully grasp what had just happened. He leaned toward the table, moved the laptop away from him, and rested his head on it, covering his face with his hands. Eyes still closed. Was I dreaming? he thought to himself. Did this really just happen? Am I off the hook? Free? What does that even mean?
Suddenly, the realization started kicking in. He felt lighter than ever, as though an enormous burden had been lifted off his shoulders. An Eminem verse came to his mind. This was the first time he could feel the meaning of it deep inside his soul. He started rapping it on repeat:
“And suddenly it seems like my shoulder blades have just shifted. It’s like the greatest gift you can get, the weight has been lifted.”
He was still dumbfounded and flummoxed. The myth of Sisyphus made more sense to him now, particularly Camus’ interpretation of it. Camus suggested that we should assume Sisyphus was happy carrying the boulder uphill on repeat. Happiness in this case wasn’t so much because he enjoyed the punishment, who would, but because he embraced the absurdity of the task. Every time he reached the top of the hill, the boulder rolled back down and he had to push it up again.
David’s boulder was his day job. It wasn’t always like that. Early on he was enthusiastic about the work. He felt like his work, the team, and the company were making a huge impact on the world. With time things became monotonous, though. The work itself didn’t change, it was all the same day in and day out. But throughout that time, he changed. A lot. With every promotion he got, the work he did became more bureaucratic and meaningless. The more he kept doing that work, the more he forgot about his own goals and what gave purpose to his life.
David got sucked into a loop that he was oblivious to. He was comfortably numb, almost happy, pushing the boulder uphill every day, sometimes even on weekends. Mindless toil became the norm for David. He only noticed how crushing the boulder had become after he had ended the call with HR.
Everyone talks about how Sisyphus accepts his senseless punishment. But what happens if Sisyphus wakes up one day to find himself boulder-free? Maybe he’ll start his own business, selling wine or cheese. If he were living in the 21st century, he’d probably start a software-as-a-service company. Maybe that’s a bit too SaaSy for him. Or he might even end up joining another big tech company. Stockholm syndrome would kick in. He’s so used to the repetitive toil that he’d gravitate back to the same kind of work. His skills are transferable, and he’d have no problem finding a job in no time.
David’s imagination was already running wild, only a few minutes after his layoff call. He looked at the clock on his desk: 9:40 am. He stood up and walked to the window. The morning felt glorious. He mentally ran through a checklist of the day’s tasks. Nothing much besides passing by the company’s office and handing over his laptop and badge.
He packed those, and prepared himself for one last trip down memory lane. The uncertainty that was waiting right around the corner was unusually exciting.
—
The trip to the office was smoother and not as burdensome or nostalgic as he had expected. David walked into the building by 11:30 am. His goal was to execute the whole thing like a commando operation. He wanted in and out in no time. He couldn’t be bothered with vacuous chit-chat and water cooler conversations, nor was he up for pep talks seasoned with pity. Hang in there, champ, you got this, you will surely land on your feet, you’re a superb team player, someone would be happy to have you. He had no time or appetite for this type of pity, and couldn’t be bothered explaining how liberated he felt that he would no longer have to work there.
While he was awaiting his turn at the HR office, a stream of ideas flowed through his mind.
“Beware of pity” was a phrase that kept coming back to him ever since he had read Stefan Zweig’s novel of the same title. Remembering the novel which he had read a few years back, he rejoiced at the fact that he would have a lot more time to spend reading books. He always had stacks of books next to his bed, and scattered around on the tables in his apartment, in addition to the shelved books in his library. He wasn’t a voracious reader, and he didn’t read out of compulsion to check a box. This was common practice among the techies he interacted with or followed on social media. Everyone was trying to live optimally and efficiently. To do that, you had to follow a certain routine with specific steps. The routine changed from one tech-efficiency-gym-bro to another. But they all followed the same format to a certain extent.
To win in life you have to grind. Wake up early, take cold plunges, read a book, follow a specific diet, take supplements, exercise, work at least 12 hours a day, listen to podcasts, journal, meditate, and a host of other requirements. The details differ from one guru to another, but the gist is the same. Everyone shares their reading list at the beginning of each year. The aim is to read as many books as possible. Cram as much as you can in there. Audiobooks, ebooks, physical books. You ought to maximize every second of your life. You’re at the gym? It’s a sin not to take advantage of that time to also listen to an audiobook. Why cook, when you can save that hour doing something more worthwhile like reading a book while brainstorming for the next project? Streamline, grind, and conquer. The general assumption is that laziness is the root cause of all evil. Quit partying, don’t drink, don’t squander time. The good life is to be found in focusing on quantity and not quality. On top of that, speed is of the utmost importance. It is the acceleration age and the goal is to speed up progress through technology to establish a utopia that is disease and poverty free.
This puritan and efficiency-driven cult was the predominant movement in the city where David lived and worked. It rubbed off on him by osmosis sometimes, although his core was rarely affected because of his early contact with rich intellectual history and philosophical heritage.
He wondered what his next read would be, but preferred to leave that to chance. He had embraced uncertainty, and thrown himself into Lady Fortuna’s hands, waiting for her to show him the way.
David, you’re next. He snapped back to reality, greeted the HR officer, exchanged some pleasantries, handed over his things, signed a few documents related to off-boarding, NDAs, and his severance package, wished everyone good luck, and swiftly raced out of the building so as not to have to cross words with anyone.
Where to now? What should I do next? he thought, then decided to stop planning and found himself wandering around without aim, letting the destination find him.